Her life

So, why November 4th?

This is the day, one year ago, that we started this journey to add another member to our family.

We praise the Lord that He answered our petition for another child.

You can still find me at

minimemom.blogspot.com

or on facebook.

Thank you for being a part of her awesome story!

(and thanks, Michelle Dieleman for your beautiful heart in creating this video. Perhaps someday I won't cry the ugly cry every time I view it:-)

Second to Last:-)

It happened by chance, the day we found the ducklings.

Our family was mobile last summer, and biked/roller bladed for hours at a time.

Quite the change from this summer.

There is a trail a few miles from our house that forms a figure 8 around two small ponds. Partially shaded by trees, we set off one night to explore.

As we rounded the corner and crossed the bridge, we watched as 40 ducks waddled through the brush and into the moss filled water upon hearing our approach.

Excitedly, the boys watched for a few minutes as the ducks fluttered and chased each other.

We left with the promise that we would return next time with bread.

Two loaves in hand, we went back the following week to find very friendly ducks. They would waddle right up and practically take the bread directly from your hand.

As we were throwing morsels to the quacking masses, I noticed a mallard off to the side, struggling with a piece of bread. Upon closer inspection, half of his beak was missing.

You might think it strange, but it was the most beautiful thing to see inside his beak. The way the muscles worked to process food was amazing.

I took a liking to that duck, the "one with the broken beak". Every time we visited, which was at least once a week, I purposely sought out that duck and threw bread directly to him. As his friends were fighting over Bryce's half scraps, he always got a hearty helping.

I feel like the mallard with the broken beak. You sought us out, and loved us well.

Seven days after we received Tessa's diagnosis, I posted this quote "God showed up, but not how I thought. He showed up through His people."

Those were the darkest days of my life thus far, and we were immediately enveloped in love.

Fast forward months and months later, and I am amazed by how God continually used His people to reveal his love for us.

I could literally weep if I think on how this community has surrounded us. 6,500 people checked here the day she was born. I am not sure I even know that many people. You prayed when we couldn't and begged your friends to join you, helped us with gas when we didn't have a dime, and brought meals by the truck full. I feel your love for my child, and I am not really sure how to adequately thank you for that.

I won't pretend to know why this happened, or why God miraculously spared her life, but I do know I have learned a whole lot on the journey.

1) Often, people would say something like, "I am struggling with ________, but it doesn't compare to what you are going through."

Pain is difficult to compare. Suffering is hard. Period.

And sure, I look at Reed's parents and know that what they went through was much tougher because their little boy did not make it, but it doesn't discount the months of devastation we endured.

It was valid.

Sometimes life is miserable and someone out there probably does have it tougher. But once you know profound misery, you are able to empathize.

A woman I admire greatly sent me a quote, "Only people who have cried deeply can laugh. Everyone else only giggles."

I can truly say I am laughing in a way I never have before because of the deep sorrow endured.

And I can empathize in a way I never have before because of my affliction.

2) When I tell someone I will pray, I will.

I had a friend going through a tough time a few years ago, and ran into her at the mall. She told of problems in her marriage and asked for prayer.

As we parted, I told her I would pray for her.

And I did.

Twice.

My follow through in the past has been pretty dismal.

As this community has prayed and prayed and prayed and stuck with us, I have learned a lot about perseverance of prayer.

3) God loves to lavish blessings on His children.

My brother has a couple of friends that have morphed into our friends as well. One of them was also having a baby this fall. I had grand visions of Kelly, Amber, and I sitting in the softball bleachers with our pregnant bellys "talking baby".

As my pregnancy turned into a nightmare, I could not be around pregnant bellys or new babies.

Dealing with the excitement of their new life when Tessa's future was so unsure led to extreme depression. It was easier to protect my heart by avoiding those situations entirely.

After Tessa was born, I finally took the time to look at baby rooms and shower pictures and all the things that were so painful to be a part of when I was pregnant.

In M's room, there was a plaque that said "I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him."

I told my mom, more than anything else, I had to find that for Tessa's room.

Well, if you know anything about my mom, she called every Hallmark and Family Christian Store in the state of Michigan to purchase that sign.

Nobody had it.

After a really rough day at the hospital, I came home and someone had given me that sign (thanks Sarah!) without even an inkling as to how badly I wanted it.

So often through our journey, God has given us little treasures to remind us of how greatly we are loved.

Having our two favorite nurses the last two shifts at the hospital.

The women that I wanted to pray over me, and how the prayer meeting just "happened" to be the next night.

I prayed and prayed that Tessa would go home at 38 weeks, and she was discharged at 38 weeks, 6 days.

Rachael working the night we found out about NEC.

Our two pastors being there the morning we decided to deliver.

I can fully say that God was present in so many ways for us, and bestowed beautiful blessings amidst the pain.




Reading my devotional one night, I came across a man that prayed, "Support us, Oh Lord. Yes, support us on every leaning side!"

Without getting too sappy, thank you for supporting us on every leaning side.

Happy Halloween!

Kayden was born in November, Brycer in April.

Most of my newborn months with Bryce felt....sticky.

He was hot, I was hot. Feeding him was hot, holding him next to the pool was hot.

Every outfit I put on him was taken off because it was too....hot.

You get the idea.

Kayden was born October 21, so his baby days were full of cute Halloween outfits with matching blankets, Thanksgiving sweaters, and Christmas pageboy caps.

(taken at our house in Redlands)

Although we did not live in a place that snowed, we spent many winter days cozied up next to the fire. 60 degrees feels different when you live in a warm climate year round.

There were a number of reasons Josh and I chose to start the IVF process last November, weather being one of them.

I love having a baby in the fall/winter.

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Every time I pull out the orange pumpkin box, a part of me gets giddy.

It kicks off the season, and leads ever so quickly to Christmas. Fall craft shows, carefully picking out presents, reading the Bible Christmas morning with my kids, celebrating family and all we have been blessed with....I just love it. Last year, I imagined telling people I was pregnant in the Christmas newsletter, and that thought carried me through 100s of miles back and forth to Ypsilanti.

One of my earliest memories of Halloween included two of my childhood friends, K and T.

Like any threesome of girls, we were the best and the worst of friends all in the same day.

K had asked my mom if I could accompany her up to the school at the end of the street, which was holding it's annual costume contest.

Nothing sounded more fun.

I carefully got dressed in my costume for that year- a pink rainbow Carebear, complete with a tan plastic bear mask.

We excitedly skipped past the three houses, watching oodles of other kids filing into the gym.

The costume "parade" was already in full swing. We quickly joined the line and showcased out attire the length of the floor with Elvis, Alvin the chipmunk, and a few witches.

Then I saw her.

She had blond ringlet curls cascading down her back. Make-up precisely applied, she was everything I wasn't: blond, beautiful, elegant.

Rhinestones glistened off the crown perfectly situated on her head. A white strapless dress with red embroidered accents led into layer upon layer of gorgeous tulle.

I wanted that dress.

And no offense to my mom but, as she won the costume contest and the huge prize basket, I stood there hating my plastic carebear mask.

We exited the gym at the same time, and I told her how pretty she was. Even at such a young age, I remember feeling awkward and nerdy as she flippantly told me "thanks".

You would think this situation would turn me off from costumes and dressing up; oddly, it had the opposite effect.

I love creating Halloween costumes.

My boys don't really let me have an opinion anymore as to what they should be for Halloween.

This little miss has no say (yet).

Happy Halloween from our house to yours. May your night be filled with candy and family.

November 4 is set to be my final post.

Have a great week!

Miss Lolly

My mom's nickname for Tessa.


She handed me this picture today:

Miss Lolly looks like me, huh?:-)

At least we have the jowls in common.

A few new ones

I was ready.

My outfit was picked out, hanging on the closet door.

12 pages of an outline was on the nightstand, proofread by Josh.

Tessa's first diaper and hand print were sitting on top of it, waiting to go.

Tomorrow was the first time I was set to share her story, and I was ready.

Don't get me wrong- I was a little nervous, too. However, I felt peace as I knew there were a bunch of people praying for this day.

It's no secret that Tessa girl really enjoys night time with her mama. Around 2:30, I started getting the shakes.

I was so cold, I could not get warm even with three blankets wrapped around me.

Mastitis.

Perhaps I can ward this off by being proactive, I thought. I started with a hot compress, took antibiotics, drank a bunch of water....nothing was helping. With a fever of 103 and feeling quite ill, I ended up having to cancel.

It was a huge disappointment to miss sharing her story today.

But, I have come to know one thing about my God.

He always has a plan.

The most important thing is to be ready and willing, right?

Tessa ended up going to my mom' s house. I heard she had a blast with her cousin, Alexis. Apparently, Tessa was grabbing at her outfit when they were laying side by side.

My mom swears she smiled at her for the first time.

Thank you for praying for me as I prepared for today. I appreciate you, prayer warriors.

Milestones

Today is the day we celebrate my FIRST baby, Kayden, born 7 years ago.

I am sure, as time stretches on, life with Tessa won't always be measured in days and months.

As with my other kids, it will start being measured in years.

Rather, half years. My kids love a good celebration cake, even if it is only for a half birthday.

A few Sundays ago, we went to eat lunch at my mom's house. This has been a long standing tradition. I am pretty sure we started it the minute our feet landed in Michigan 6 years ago.

Never in my life do I laugh more than when I am circled around that table.

Until this year, that is.

Much of this year marked a deep sadness as we ate Sunday lunch. Many a tear was shed into my plate, as the future loomed ahead.

I wish I could say that I heeded Sarah's Smith advice to never look forward to suffering. Alas, my mind ruminated far too often and always settled on the sad side of future events.

One afternoon, my brother was teasing with my dad about something and he joked back, "I hope your baby gives you just as much trouble as you have always given me!"

They bantered back and forth for a few minutes about Justin's child. As time passed, I could feel the stinging hot tears well to the surface.

I could see my mom tapping my brother on the shoulder to quit this line of conversation.

The reality hit me so hard- how could I get to know my baby in a two hour time span? How could I fit an entire life into mere minutes?

So grieved was I, that I went into the bedroom for a good two hour cry.

Try as I might, I could not stop the tears of loss and sorrow. Life without her flashed before me- no pink Easter dress with a wiggly eight month old, a Christmas picture with a deep hole missing where she should be, struggling to hold Amber and Justin's baby with dirt from her grave fresh under my fingernails.

Being that it was the first time back to my mom's since Tessa's birth, that memory flooded back to me with overwhelming gratitude that God allowed her to live.

So many moments, this happens.

As I drive by Dutton Cemetery, I remember being in Mrs. Boomsma's room last spring, wondering if we would be putting pumpkins and cornstalks on her grave this fall.

Walking Bryce up to preschool, with her in the car.

Bringing my kids to Build A Bear to put the heartbeat sounds into a stuffed animal, and not needed the pink angel wings.

Watching her birth video tonight, and hearing those beautiful cries as she was lifted out of my womb.

As we celebrated Kayden's birth, and joking with Kayden that Tessa was singing Goo Goo Ga Ga for his special day.

After that day, I was grasping at anything and everything to remember her by. I wanted as much as I could to make her life tangible.

This past month, over and over as we created this keepsakes, I would thank God that these are momentos reminding me of joy-filled days of baby buns and hiccups.

A mug with her actual footprints on it from Your Keepsake Company (etsy).

The kids footprints on a 16 by 20 canvas.
Her actual fingerprint and birthstone on a necklace (from Mom4Life.com)

Various baby clothes that were knitted for her- by GrammyJan (etsy) and Kami's friend:-)

I am not sure if you can tell, but feel like my blogging time at 'I Still Have Hope' is coming to a close. This blog started as a private journal to detail my struggles with infertility and morphed into her entire life story. While I am so grateful to have this outlet, I feel like this blog is her story.

I won't go far:-)

Now that Tessa is home, I want to integrate her into the family blog at minimemom.blogspot.com, and start posting about the boys again, too.

I have a couple more thoughts that I want to wrap up, and something special planned for my final post.

Thank you, as always, for being on this journey. Loving us like you do, and coming along side our family during the deepest and darkest time of our life.